I love you Alvin; I love you too, Dad. That was me signing off from a conversation with my son Alvin.
I like the fact that you can tell your son I love You a lot of men cant
That was a friend who was listening in on the conversation and that got me thinking
True I tell Alvin I love you but have never told my other son Etekamba, I love you
The mere thought of saying I love you makes me cringe. Not that I don’t love him, the relationship is different
So why can’t men tell their sons – I love you. Why can’t men look into their sons’ eyes and say, common I love you and give them a big hug and laugh
Alvin and I went through a lot of trauma with the loss of his mum, and as such, we had to fall on each other for support.
Truth be told, nothing replaces a mother and wife. No extended family, no friends, no pastor nothing
They can only provide temporary emotional support so during the initial blast of the loss, Alvin and I had only ourselves
Our situation was worse cos of the unique situation of our family. So he stayed with his aunt and would be alone at night suffering from the trauma of the loss
We would call each other at night and cry on the phone and he would be so worried that I would also die and he would be saying – Dad are you ok, i love you and I would reply and say I love you and that’s when it started
My other son has shown independence very quickly, locking himself up in the room to paint and not wanting to be disturbed by anybody.
Then at 18, he boarded a plane and landed in Savannah, Georgia and ever since, we have seen him only once.
The distance, his independence, and his taciturn nature make it difficult for any outward showing of emotions
But the bond is tight, I can tell cos the few times he calls, we talk like friends – Joe, how is your play? Joe, I posted your play. Joe. I am having an exhibition, and I, in turn, will say, Etekamba, what up? Talk to me, Etekamba and I have the true Nigerian type father-son relationship which is a lot of bond but no outward show of emotions
Alvin and, I, on the other hand, have a weird oyibo relationship seeing us say I love and miss you and then hug each other and cry together and be softies
Last week, I went to his school to spark for him on one or two things.
My plan was to scatter, but immediately he walked in; I melted, spoke in low tones, and he could not look me in the eye. Then he took me to one corner of the school, and we hugged, and he cried and said – Dad, im trying.
The teachers were surprised as they saw father and son in a tight hug saying to each other I love you and assuring each other that they would keep trying
The love is the same, but the mode of expression is different.
Where I am now, dont even know which is best or which will ensure the development of a well situated adult Nigerian male
Its obviously far easy to tell my daughters, I love you. Show them my weaknesses than to show my other son and I suspect most men are like this
So in conclusion, let me ask, can any man reading this just call their sons and say – I love you and send me both their reactions and your feelings after such a momentous occurrence
Thanks
Duke of Shomolu