Edgar, you have to check your BP every day at the same time for one week and send me the results
That was my long-suffering Dr Nwabuoku at the receiving end of one of my many long calls about my health
I’m a hypochondriac so the fear of illness for me is even worse than the illness itself
Dr I dey fear, the machine. Once I see it my heart go dey beat and I go become anxious and I will start fretting
Edgar, just remove your mind and do it. Okooo so I tie the strap on my hands and press the button
As the pressure starts filling up, my heart starts pounding and my mind starts racing
Ohh, my God, it will be high, it will blow up my heart, my kidneys will fail and they will amputate my legs
149/110, the thing reads. Dr Nwabuoku, I told you that I have died and he would laugh and say, Edgar relax and check this thing
I will remove it and watch some TV, chat on WhatsApp and read some funny quips and I check again
132/91. I scream, Dr this thing is playing games with me. See what it’s doing, and he will say – Edgar, go to bed and sleep abeg. Try tomorrow
I will now be looking at the ugly machine and the thing will be looking at me too.
Shebi you be Duke of Shomolu, shebi you no dey fear, go dey yab every body – Oya come to try urself.
I will carry the white duvet I was gifted and cover the thing. I will smother it and hope it will die of suffocation
Then one mind will say, shebi the thing was behaving, oya try one last one before you sleep
I will now bring it out put in its battery and be petting it the way you pet a beautiful woman
Oya be a good boy and give me better reading. You know I didn’t vote Tinubu so at least reward me for conviction
Then the thing would start pumping, the lights in the room would have been off and in its darkness, I would cover my face as the thing was pumping
Then, I will feel the release, it was releasing pressure, and sooner, the readings will pop out.
Fear, real fear will envelop me and then I will open one eye, open the light from my phone and check
Fuxkkkkkk. 150/120. In frustration, I will call Dr Nwabuoku and shout, look commence treatment for a full-blown case of BP and the rest
He would laugh again. EDGAR come in tomorrow; we need to do a full body test before we start anything.
Everything is normal. Your ECG, blood sugar, kidneys, lungs everything is perfect only your cretin levels are a little bit worrisome drink more water and you will be ok
So na anxiety be my problem and that stupid machine is playing games with me
So I rush back home with confidence, pull out the stupid thing and check again-this time, not even bothering to look – 128/89 it screams
And I shout Yes. I will not check again, make anxiety no kill me
I will be drinking my friska tea, doing my morning walk, Watch what I eat and generally avoid the fucking machine
As I write, the mumu thing is staring at me, begging for forgiveness.
I have removed its batteries and thrown them away, I will never free it, it is me who is playing these stupid games with
Shebi, it is me. It wants to kill before my time. Why can’t it be reading 120/80 like every other normal machine that was made in Aba like it.
No wonder its so ugly with its head like Wikes own and its big forehead like Atiku, the thing will just be sitting there like an Egyptian mummy and be begging me to give it life
There is no amount of begging that will make me free it unless it guarantees me that it will give me 120/80 every time.
Can’t it be like INEC? Which one is all this rubbish reading it is giving me?
When it is ready to decamp and play ball, we will deal, till then, make the thing siddon there like the mumu wey he be.
Rubbish
Duke of Shomolu
