If you have been married or been in a long-term relationship, you would most likely have been kicked to the curb several times or run to the couch to hide in search of peace as a man.
I have been on the couch for about 17 years now
It all started after one of the many altercations that come with those kinds of relationships, and I found myself on the couch for four years.
I got used to it and found myself very comfortable within its bosom
It was an ugly piece of work designed and delivered by a young girl who had artistic aspirations but would have been better off in someone’s kitchen and warming his bed
The couch had no dimension, no beauty and came with a blue, grey hue that reminded me of the pale walls of the EFCC Cell that held me at some point
But it served its purpose. It took my tears, fears and sadness
It consoled me when my father died. That was my first experience with death and the couch was my only companion
When the Cold War ended, I was asked to come back to the room but by that time, the couch had seized me
It became my sole companion cos it never judged me, never complained and understood my every whim
Much more importantly, it stayed with me in my naughty moments and reminded me to go to those sites to relieve stress and calm down when the pressure was too much
If my couch could speak, countries would collapse, the conversations it has had listen to-ehnnhnn
The peak of its powers was when Mena died.
After receiving her body and safely putting her in the morgue, receiving all the usual crowd of sympathisers, I went back to the couch nestled in a house where I couldn’t dare tell anyone what happened to me
It opened its arms and took me, listened to me, held my tears and listened to me
It was my sanctuary my confessional, my bosom friend and my lover
Then the attack came. Somewhere in Lekki, someone spotted bed bugs on a chair, we all jumped and ran but in my forgetfulness, I sat on the chair
Two nights later, I was under attack. It was a night of a thousand bites
By the time I woke up, I knew it was time to part with my couch
The fumigation people came in and advised me to get rid of the couch
couldn’t stand the sight of its evacuation so I ran to work
Today, I have designed a new couch. A perfect replacement with a yellow hue
Fluffy with the softness of a curvy mullato.
It comes with throw pillows that are as delicious as a luscious huge pair of breast with its seating as inviting as a well-curated mound that cascades into the abyss of sweetness that nestles very delicately between the thighs of Jezebel
Can’t wait to welcome it, as my creaky bones protest very aggressively at the discomfort that comes with the weirdness of laying on a bed, something, I rarely do.
My Yellow Couch, hmmmm
Duke of Shomolu
Last modified: March 31, 2026
