Demons in this case are not satan and his disciples but those thoughts, fears and insecurities that beset man in life
The other demons, that is satan or those beings that Pentecostal Christians like to defame and blame for everything will have a rest from me today as I am not really interested in them
These fears have not been part of my life for a bit now. For some time now, I have not felt that hollowness come near me as it used to come
But last night they came. Surprisingly, I had made a lot of money yesterday and, as usual, spent it all.
I had had a small altercation, a misunderstanding that I knew would trigger my despair
So I drove home and in the car, I started feeling the usual symptoms
I immediately started fighting it by telling myself my immediate achievements
I had raised almost 90% of my budget for Kashimawo, I had released the first massive billboard in the UK announcing a Nigerian Play, I had just received three very expensive T-shirts and had rocked one to Ogbechie’s party
But all these, didn’t deter that feeling of despair
As the evening wore on, I felt myself being dragged into the dark hole that I had been with me since my dad died
Yes, that was when it first started. My dad passed after five years of massive illness
I saw him move from a bubbly beautiful man to a skeleton and then I went to bury him without shedding a single tear
Then I came home and went into a massive depression which gave me my first brush with attempted suicide, a feeling I celebrate annually
Ever since, darkness and despair have been my strange bedmates, easily triggered by the littlest of occurrences
I love pain though. I love the darkness that comes with it and I massively love the depth of despair that it takes me into
The lack of control, the lack of feelings and the emptiness take me back to my childlike innocence where I owe no one anything
I am a contradiction, a mess of boldness and fear. A cascading flow of courage and fear
My nights, like last night are filled with dragons, dungeons, blood and gore but my days are filled with laughter, joy and fun
Today, I listened to classical music, my favourites being Il Mondo, Bocelli and Pharrell Williams – Be Happy hit me
It’s morning, and the fear is all but gone, and I say Fuck you to the demons as I rise to the responsibilities of my calling.
Fuck you and thank you.
Duke of Shomolu