They shoved the bail conditions at me; I read them, and my heart sank
It was obvious they were determined to throw me into a cell
The conditions could never have been met at 4pm on a Friday in Lagos
I heaved a sigh as I was herded towards the bus that would take me to the cell
Give me ur belt, your shoes, your phone, cufflinks anything that would give u an idea to kill yourself
The inmates had known even before me that I would be a guest that night, and they sent a friend to come and receive me
Edgar, how you dey president dey wait
How una knw say I dey come? I asked. He smiled
You popular inside here, we dey read your column and many of your colleagues dey here, so when we hear say you dey come, we all happy
Dem go beat me? No na, this na white-collar crime and na people like you dey here; nobody go touch you we all like you
Ok, dem go fuck me? I asked. He laughed, Edgarrrrrr
Yes na, we dey hear all these things wey dey happen inside cell i replied.
Edgar na bankers, and top government officials and investment bankers full here. Na holding cell u go soon commot
It was a one-storey building. One of those Ikoyi huge apartments that had been converted into a cell block
Downstairs was for the female detainees, while upstairs was for men
The guards handed me over to my host, who was in flip-flops- that’s what detainees wore and what differentiated them from free people
Abeg, I want stay for President cell. I know say you don assure me say dem no go beat me or fuck me, but I no fit take chances, I said to him
He said ok, I go discuss with President
The President is the longest-serving detainee, and his cell showed the perks of his office
Brand new mattress, clean blankets, fan and one or two other things I cannot mention
Edgar, how you dey? Long time, he said
Bro, na here you dey, me think say you go summer
He laughed. Apparently, a lot of people who had ‘gone for summer’ were locked up there, and I saw them
Wetin dem dey hold you for? He asked again
N150M. We borrow client, client no fit pay back, dem come catch me
He smiled. Me na N700m and I don dey here for 7 months
I panicked. 7 months, shebi dem say na only 24 hours dem fit hold person
They all laughed at me. Dem go get court order remanding you for 15 days, say dem still dey investigate; after that, them go go ask for extension by the third time, Judge fit pity you no grant am, and dem go come ask for you to be remanded in prison and if u lucky na Ikoyi prison; if you no lucky na Kirikiri
By this time, other inmates had started coming – the popular writer and investment banker was in the building
Some came with my column; others came alone
They were warm, filled with advice and kind
The President now hushed everyone and looked at me intently into my eyes
Edgar, forget the outside world; make you no wound yourself
This na your new life; till God remember you, for now, you belong to the state
I looked back at him and told him very succinctly – bro, me dey commot on Monday even if na turn to cockroach and crawl out thru the pit latrine, me dey commot
He looked at me with pity and said, ” This was how he felt the first night, and he is here for the last seven months
It was about 1 am when my reception came to an end, with all the inmates retiring to their cells and the agents coming in to count us all
It became quiet, and I was left on my own on the new mattress to think
What just happened – one moment, I am hosting the State Governor and the next moment, I was in a cell with my freedom withdrawn
I thought of so many things: my mum, my kids, suicide, murder, poison, and so many things
The strongest thought was suicide. I was claustrophobic; I had no phone, I lost my appetite, and I assured myself that if I didn’t get bail, I would rush one of the guards, grab his gun and kill myself
Loneliness is beautiful, but not in a cell when you are not sure that one of the four people would not suddenly grab you and rape you or beat the shit out of you
They loved me, but who would trust an inmate who hadn’t had sex in months or who was accused of stealing N700m from his employer
I sat there staring at them as they snored; I sat there thinking of my life, sat there refusing to immerse myself in this life
I refused to accept that I would be there longer than Monday. I knew I had done nothing wrong; it was a civil case, it was a transaction gone bad, but this fucking client was trying to let Nigerian happen to me
As the night wore on, I started communing with the crickets that were chirping in the night.
I envied them cos they had their freedom and would be having sex; hence all the noise, and here I was sitting with my back to the wall, ready to fend off any predator trying to take me without baby oil
Morning came, and it was 5 a.m., and the cell opposite us suddenly turned into a mosque with an inmate shouting directly at me, calling for prayers
The whole block woke up, and the religious cacophony began
As the Muslims screamed, the Pentecostals started their own, and I was in the middle – criminals in praise worship
My arrest had made the right noises in Lagos and up to Abuja.
I didn’t know that as I was listening to crickets make love through the night, calls for my release were going on all through the night, and as the Muslim prayer warrior was screaming his tonsils out at 5am, someone was rushing to the cell with a message from Abuja
Edgarrrrrrr, the voice rang out…..
Kai, Data don finish
Come and beat me
Duke of Shomolu
Last modified: October 25, 2026
